merlot, per low.

ahhhh, we meet again.

music is my oxygen, you are my water. (yet contradictory since i hate drinking water) people dislike that i contradict myself all the time anyway. walking oxymoron. oh well :(

life has been really good lately. confusing & busy, yet good. i've been trying to read more books and go running or hiking ~ so simple yet definitely my absolute favorite time to be One with Nature. i finally got an iPhone! love love love. except my fat thumbs do not favor the touch-screen keys. aish. one thing i've come to truly appreciate these days is the presence of my two older sisters.. texts, calls, cute pictures... i think our recent reunion trip to Portland put us in alignment since we're never in the same city all together!!.. our spa-brunch-bonding-sisters-day was very special :) we've always been very close.. but now more than EVER, we have continued to diligently keep up with current news, details, daily funnies, life difficulties, random quirky stories, advice... i love them. they are hilarious and they rock. when i'm down, i find myself sending them a sisters' group text.. even just an emoticon.

Best thing ever: went to Coachella with some of mah besties. it was the bomb-diggity-shiznit. need i say more? okok i'll say a bit more. it was amazing. the days were hot as HELL ~ but the evening would turn into a magical, balmy wonderland with lights twinkling, streaking across the sky.. dancing with the breeze. sometimes i wish i could just live in the desert and listen to some legit, dope, goooood music all night long... and prance! duh.

it's late... but i come alive at night.  i will always always always disregard sleep/time for:

-writing anything. this.. that.. a song

-phone conversations that dive deep into the wee morning hours like 6am or whatever

-staying out late. it's always (ALWAYS) worth the memories later

-finishing a korean drama. HAHAHAHAHA (no really)

While most people fear death, black spiders, cancer, or not making enough dough, my biggest fear in the entire world is that i may live an ordinary life.  it frightens me so much- sometimes i experience severe anxiety, lose sleep, have knots in my tummy. is this not insane..? but nobody knows about it. i am also fearful of those gleeful grinning clowns with sad smiles. EWWW!! GO AWAY!! how are those appropriate for kids' birthday parties?? i just do not understand. in additon, i'm scared to bring a child into this effed-up world. (that is the only fear that i can overcome for a FACT because luckily i LOVE babies and i melt at the mere sight of them/holding them.)

There is this intense feeling that keeps telling me to go abroad... Italy.. maybe Korea again.. it's an itch, a deep yearning in my soul that will not go away.  it just will not go away!! :( it's like this passionate, crazy, raging MONSTER that is about to burst out of my body at ANY second!! a literal physical feeling. there's so much that i want to do, it overwhelms me to death... so i end up being silent and doing nothing. MAJOR FAIL. at times i entertain the idea of going abroad and feel so alive, inspired, excited... then i casually brush it off with the usual excuses. Whatever, it keeps coming back and i cannot ignore it any longer- now it almost feels as though i'm betraying myself? when i'm 50, i would regret not doing it. there is something bigger, something larger out there and i need to find it. driving me crazy. this probably contributes to my inability to have a successful romantic relationship. i'm not sure if this 9 to 5-6-7 lifestyle is for me, although i have many career dreams as well... it's weird how you can have lots of best friends, a happy bustling social life, priceless crazy memories, golden opportunities.. and still feel like an odd sheep, even though you "fit in".. (NOBODY understands this statement when i say it because on the surface it doesn't make sense.)

so take me, into your bed.

lay down your pretty head.

hate me after i am gone.

cuz i won't be here for very long.

- Motopony

jay-z explains life.

"The beat is only one half of the rap song's rhythm. The other is the flow. When a rapper jumps on a beat, he adds his own rhythm. Sometimes you stay in the pocket of the beat and just let the rhymes land on the square so that the beat and flow become one.  But sometimes the flow chops up the beat, breaks the beat into smaller units, forces in multiple syllables and repeated sounds and internal rhymes, or hangs a drunken leg over that last bap and keeps going, sneaks out of that bitch.  The flow isn't like time, it's like life.  It's like a heartbeat or the way you breathe, it can jump, speed up, slow down, stop, or pound right through like a machine.  If the beat is time, flow is what we do with that time, how we live through it.  The beat is everywhere, but every life has to find its own flow."

Jay-Z in his book Decoded.

sums it all up

i'm currently squirmy & bookworm-y

What happens when you grow up without a TV? Oh. You make up lots of games & stories in your head... and read a trillion books.  This year, I'm trying to get back into my fave pasttime by attempting to read one book per month.  Let's see if I can keep this up. Yay.

January. 

February.

March.

inspires me

And out of nowhere you're in
Straight into me, into me.

... Save me.